How your need for external encouragement is distracting you from internal fulfilment

What would be the strap line for it for us to clip it for the start of YouTube it's kind of like stop building stuff that requires external validation [Music] oh welcome welcome we are giving you another episode of don't be a dust up um I have obviously gone for this pink tinted concrete wall behind me it's one of those things I need to get a better setup because it takes me ages to set things up and be in the right place in.

Stuff because especially because we've got like drum kit and stuff and music thing so I'm like trying to make sure that there's not too much in the background but I recognize or is it too fluffy trying to set design annoyingly it is hard to set design because I think the room's a bit too small there's not enough like depth in the room um because usually you know how YouTubers have it they have their camera and then there's actually quite a big.

We've got to start hat I have readjusted some kind of like purpose and fulfillment kind of attributes about myself so I felt like I have this regular occurrence where I get to a point where I feel like I'm not being impactful and I start to analyze why is that happening and more so why is that happening in a repeat fashion I then realized that the reason why I get triggered in that way is because um oh sorry not triggered but the reason.

Then feels like oh cool I'm having impact because I'm expecting impact to be a measurement of external encouragement now it's hard because I can't control the external encouragement it happens when it happens right um so then I've decided rather than having that big circle where it goes from internal it goes external and back in internal and be like cool I feel like I've got impact I've just reevaluated to find things that I can focus on myself that gives me a sense of impact because.

External Thing versus internal now the reason why I've struggled to internalize it is because I think I've been a bit scared like committing to something um and I'll tell you what it is so I've broadly now been like cool I'm going to focus on two things making money through apps uh and like products and drumming for camera and I think the reason why I've probably been scared to conclude those um is one on the drumming side I'm a bit I have been in the past a bit.

To feel that you have impact why not look at the things that you feel like you've enjoyed the most and in my whole life I've enjoyed moments of drumming when I've drummed those have been the best moments and then when I've been like designing products or Building Products those have also been the best moments so I'm trying to just take those moments where I feel the most fulfilled and try to focus on them so in me committing and trying to visualize with.

Practice and rehearse and I will practice and rehearse to be good if I don't feel good and to get it right if I'm not getting it right so it's just like a well of course of course I'm going to put in the time and the effort because I really like this thing and I want to do a good job so in me like settling with that as a as a thing it um makes me feel fulfilled and I have.

Like readjust it again the the thing rather than saying oh well I'm making this product for that person over there so that person benefits well actually I want to make money so I can have a particular lifestyle that allows me to build products um with flexibility and without the pressure of that it needs to um pay rent or whatever and also be able to be drumming and doing world tours and so forth so in just realigning with those two broad picture.

Love really well like I'm a very good drummer I'm a very good designer and a builder like committing to those and doing those well is it's kind of like again if we talk about like God's purpose or God what God wants you to be doing like these skills and these things weren't given you given to you for like no reason for you not to use them so in utilizing them you feel like utterly fulfilled then there is a natural.

No illnesses and stuff right to be able to be a um kind of like a little bit of the you know Shining Light Vibe so other people then are maybe I should be you know getting fit and so forth so again like it's about being the the Spearhead as a like a method or a vehicle to be influential rather than just telling people stuff with with wisdom or whatever yeah nice and how does it feel now going around in those circles the new.

I think there's a drive in me that I'm never quite satisfied which is fine like that that's I think to me I like that because it basically means that I'm Innovative um uh so in seeing this pattern I can enjoy the fact that I'm Innovative just to myself like within myself so I benefit from that kind of like Drive stuff as well and um yeah it's just it's just realigned like anything it's like defragging your computer right it's reordered everything.

Straight off the dome right we're like don't cut this into it right we haven't said that it just it's kind of like stop building stuff that requires external validation right so stop building processes or stop building stop building ecosystems that rely on external encouragement to keep you going that's it so like create that internal encouragement more so then it's more um yeah basically more predictable right you can you can manage it a bit better and everything so I would say but yeah.

It so I'm really glad that I I spoke a lot with it about Cameron actually Kim and brought this angle to it like hey I think there's this thing that you're um kind of utilizing and maybe you should internalize it more because that's exactly what she's done and found way more uh fulfillment in that as well um yeah so then in just riffing it and telling other people you can figure out the the formulized method and Clarity to.

To be uh guys want to be good communicators and guys want to be leaders so do we all guys or a sections guys well everything is a generalization right but they're full for guys to stay in church they want to be like help them to be good communicators because good communicators basically get promoted for leadership and they want to be leaders they want to be revered right so I don't always agree with that positioning um because it ultimately to me that.

It's kind of like the last person right that that's kind of like making sure the last last person is is encouraged to do something and is like leading from the the back and that's sometimes what leadership looks like as well as sometimes leadership doesn't even include a group of people right it might be just um leading your own situation and your own stuff that then becomes inspiring to other people it's not that you have any sort of leadership or.

So they're not going to get that oh I want to be revered or whatever like I don't agree with that concept it doesn't align it doesn't align with Biblical kind of like position of servant leadership right so it's a fascinating thing personally for me I have wanted to communicate in particularly from a stage because one I've been there long enough and I've paid my dues in other ways to make sure that it's not an ego thing and also I think I'm pretty decent at.

Have we not like yeah it's and and how do we create the right focuses and disciplines to feel basically respected and fulfilled or like respected and utilized or like celebrated because not everybody is going to be a communicator um like in that particular fashion right it doesn't mean that you therefore will never have influence or therefore you'll never help people I think we've kind of glamorized certain specific roles for example a worship leader or a preacher and we've glamorized those as.

More louder when I've turned my mic more like this I'm speaking down it you're stealing you stay in the flow stay in the flow um all my intrusive thoughts um and the last bit is I've forgotten so you're saying about imagine somebody with no Communications oh yeah I remember good is it not the fact that they want to be good communicators or is it more the fact that they want to be known because like you're on the stage you're.

Typically celebrate historical figures we um talk about them a lot like I I think that it's probably they want to feel good which is fine that's completely fine because really it's about connection right they want connection and maybe the quickest easiest way to have connection is start preaching from the front because that's just like a a route one type of football approach right on the middle kind of thing when really it's a it's a case of you know everything doesn't like.

I guess it's it's the most obvious job in the sense that you see it and you can see all the glory that you might see not the breakdown I've started the tennis series on Netflix of because you mentioned it on the weekend break yes point is it yeah yeah and that's the thing is you notice okay you might know the tennis player's name their background how many kids they got their lifestyle but actually they have a coach that's.

Pastor or the worship leader is probably the next one that gets paid and then everything gets spilled down even though actually the worship leader that's more often than not guitarist piano player or singer um actually needs the drums or the bassist or whatever but it's difficult because I think everyone likes the thought of um the front runner I guess likes the idea of it and probably even blinds out the fact of all the difficult conversations that you might be able to have or need.

Not the reality the singular the only thing that happens there is a lot more of character a lot more engagement lots more stuff going on in the background let alone the other people in the background their assist with something going the way that it that it goes yeah I guess it's just like trying to make sure that really guys and guys in the church like try and find their own their own thing for themselves again when we're talking.

Um they were also saying in this pod a bunch of people are coming a bunch of guys are coming to church wanting discipleship now I think there were discipleship is interchangeable with mentorship but then nobody would Mentor them right um and then once engagement to them and I was wondering whether or not that's a bit of a blend so one of the comments he then said like are the old guys are like oh look at all these like young kids.

Idea ideas or problems or issues or like visions and stuff let's say that that's that guy's vision is to have a family wherever and you were single you might be like Oh I'm not sure how I can I feel insecure life I don't feel like I can input into this so yeah it's all about what do you want and can you um just change things to kind of mitigate out so the older guys like oh we don't feel like we can relate to.

Aspect to things but if you're just wanting General guy mates then it doesn't need to be like cats all the time yeah yeah yeah like friendship basically like like bromancers doesn't need to be like for life yeah I've also been thinking about um how organizations let's say for argument's sake we've created this ecosystem in the church where you'll be revered or be like worshiped if you're the guy on stage right um then charismatic people typically are the people that go to the stage right so.

Little bit of confidence right self-confidence but when that comes too much then when there's a fall from grace like a mistake or or something that then um alienates a bunch of people rightly so how do we then create organizations which are basically faceless so we don't have those moments where we're basically attracted to somebody's ability to communicate or like uh whip up a crowd or whatever whatever um and we still have the um impact and the good stuff that they.

Positive or negative sometimes can be the greatest mirrors to understand what's actually going on in your own heart mind soul whatever you want it Go of if you're jealous of a Federer of a Nadal but you're not jealous of the person that's hundredth in the in the um rankings it's like okay then what part are you jealous is it the fame is it the money or is it the fact that playing tennis but actually if you're a hundredth and.

Might be just the basic factors like there's a guy it's like oh they grow a cool beard or whatever it's like cool that's okay to be like that's awesome to encourage someone because you might be just an encourager to be like that's awesome I'm gonna try my best next movember or whatever but then if you don't do it it's not going that person's better or worse and I think he's adding an element of judgment after it it's just going.

That rather than specifically the person's character to avoid like the disappointment or the breakdown of everything's been piled on this one individual yeah because I think in churches it typically does happen like that there's one particular individual that gets to become the face of some movement or uh production of groups a group of churches or whatever whatever and it becomes like the higher up the ladder you go the further you have to follow all those like analogies so how do you avoid that.

An internship with the um Church of England background being a Baptist I knew nothing um but doing mint Sports Ministry which was interesting and what he used to say is being a bishop is everyone would want him to pray or encourage or whatever as if it's like this Secret Sauce yeah but a lot of the time of let's say it's someone in um there are a hospital and one prayer for healing or want encouragement through it through their difficult time it's a lot.

Again on my own dependence on me if I bring someone else into it sometimes when you bring them too late well they've created a bond with you so you can't always necessarily offload it slash it might look like a negative thing that you're ditching you off to this other guy because you've took on too much or whatever rather than going cool no it's it's more of just a natural way of this guy I trust this guy as well he trusts him.

Process over a long period of time he was just given a small example um but it is that that you're slowly handing off the button to other people that that might be genuinely really passionate about ministering to people through illness and they might have even more of a background maybe they've got a nursing or doctoring but like background or maybe they've just been through pain or difficulty themselves but because you've just got this sort of Bishop um identity.

Nobody to some extent so it's that actually his discernment and wisdom of bringing people along and journeying it a it builds up other people and then B it offlows necessarily a responsibility but as well if that person then takes other people whatever they can still come back to you and ask you questions it doesn't mean that fully over and actually you might want to go and visit now with two other people that are more praying just because you feel prompted.

Other people and expecting other other people to have it all sorted or whatever um fun thought to ponder on yeah the 30 minute Mark I think to like wrap up or conclude a little it's interesting that people want to like men want to or again generalizing generally men want to be good communicators so they can be good leaders which is cool how do you become a good communicator what's one thing that you would start with the end was that a question and that was.

Getting to know different um people's backgrounds where they've come from what they've gone through you learn by trial and error of how to communicate your heart their heart asking a lot questions understanding what they're trying to say because even though someone's communicating to you you might think what they're trying to say but they're actually trying to communicate something else so it's understanding where they're coming from and equally where you want to take them because as well people's backgrounds you might say one thing but.

They're not AKA what we call as Shadow Boxing when you're boxing against your past self or your mental health or emotional health that you might be doing in front of people which is okay if it's a safe space rather than you're doing it unintentionally yeah I think for me kind of alongside your marketing Point although you said this is sometimes a bit more Theory I think um storytelling is a big part of communication so telling stories figuring out that and.

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